Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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