I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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