dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
