So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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