I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
