I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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