I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
