Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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