u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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