I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
