hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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