Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
