Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
