Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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