: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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