Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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