guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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