Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You need Xanax blowdarts
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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