I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
