So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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