Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
