I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
