the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
