I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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