My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
