you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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