No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
