I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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