textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
a search helicopter?!
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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