the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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