Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
