in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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