His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
