it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well I just put wine in my tea
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm like, not good at living.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
