Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
