The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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