It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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