Pregnant stripper...not hot.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
