So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
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