I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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