Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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