is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
