I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
