Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
