Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
