I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
