3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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