If i come over, it means nothing
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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