Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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