His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
