First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
